5 stars: Nope. Background noise only.

It’s a tale as old as time. A princess fails to train her Christmas tree-sniffing goat properly and gets sent to an American bootcamp for entitled people in order to prove that one day she can become queen. I mean, gee-whiz, again?!

Let’s give Private Princess Christmas credit for the most ridiculous premise of the year, but not much else in this fish-out-of-water tale that is not royal in any way.

Wingravia’s Princess Violet (Ali Skovbye) is the only daughter of the queen who might inherit the throne in this make believe Eastern European country of glaringly fake British accents. According to the queen, she needs some work in order to get the promotion. The queen finds a 10-day military boot camp in the US, that should do the trick.

The camp is littered with a crypto bro, an arrogant football player, the daughter of a rich guy and some other people whose story’s just didn’t land. Ryan (Derek Klena) runs the camp after rejoining the Army (maybe?) or just teaching. It’s pretty loosey-goosey on the details and nobody is heading off to war after bootcamp.

As expected, our entitled princess tries to fake and cheat her way through the tests, but ends up revealing a heart of gold and some great American Sign Language skills.

We’re light on love, heavy on fake accents and camo.

Cast Kudos: Tanja Dixon-Warren, who played Squibby and was apparently the only other employee of this elite camp. She was believable in her role and deserved her own story! Justice for Squibby!

Measuring Christmas Magic: None. Zip.

Alternative Movie Titles: First, let’s discuss the title we got. Boo. No. Private Princess, sounds like a shy princess, not what I suspected they were going for–Private Benjamin. There was nearly no Christmas, so putting it in the title is a court marshall worthy infraction. Alternative titles: Princess Bootcamp Holiday; A royal salute Holiday; Bootcamp for Entitled People.